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Drawing isn’t what’s depressing me

I see improvement in what I do.  I love drawing, I love working on art.  I’m a crazy hard worker, I put in hours upon hours of work every week.  I work harder than most people at a ‘normal’ job.

That’s not what burns me out.


Success is a mountain.  There’s people who have already made it to the top, & if you know the right people, you’ll get help getting to the top.
I, however, don’t know the right people

There’s also people who do the bare minimum, & sit around the base of the mountain, relaxing, & waiting to be noticed.  Sometimes they get noticed & get pulled up the mountain without trying very hard.
I am not someone who can sit around, waiting for success to find me.


Then there’s the person busting their ass with a pick axe, trying to climb the mountain with nothing more than effort & determination.
This is me.
I’m further up the mountain than the people who are relaxing at the base; but I know that I’ll never reach the summit without help.  It’s tiring to climb the mountain by myself, without any help, but I don’t give up.  I’ll never be happy just resting on the side of the mountain, stuck between the two camps.

& this fact is what burns me out.  The fact that no matter how hard I try, unless I luck out, I’ll never get to the top.  & there’s nothing I can do about it, but bury myself in my work & not pay attention to the fact that it’s a big luck-based popularity contest.

The ‘Joys’ Of Misophonia

I was trying to shop for books at a second hand store a couple weeks ago.  Somewhere in the store, somebody is whistling

I’ve already had a shit day before this.  I was forced to leave a really nice park because some asshole thought it was cool to let his dog bark for, well, it had been going for 20 minutes before I left, & it didn’t sound like it was going to stop.  All I wanted was some fucking books.  But NOOOOOO, I can’t shop for books in peace.

I look around, shooting dirty looks at everyone who looks like they might be the whistler.  Even if they were, I doubt they’d get the hint, anyone who randomly whistles in public thinks they’re not doing anything wrong, so I’m just the crazy girl near the books, glowering randomly.

I have a couple books in my hands already.  I hold them in such a way that I can shove my fingers in my ears.  This takes away the shrillness of the whistling.  There’s no doubt in my mind that the whistler can FUCKING SEE ME & should be able to figure out that I’m blocking out the noise that HE’S FUCKING MAKING, as there was no music or any other loud noises in the store.

I realize that I can’t pick up any books, because both my hands are plugging my ears.  I start crying.  I’m in a second hand store, plugging my ears, & having a nervous breakdown.
Not my proudest moment.
I wanted to take books & throw them at every fucking person in that building, I didn’t even care who was responsible, I hate living in a society where filling in your own music in a quiet place is acceptable.

Instead I read titles, since I can’t take my hands away from my ears long enough to pick up anything.  I try a few times, & end up sitting on the floor.  I’m kinda surprised no one came up & asked me if I was okay (it would have been pretty fucking obvious I wasn’t).  FINALLY the stupid whistler either gets the hint & shuts up, or he finishes shopping & leaves the store.  I take my fingers out of my ears, grab any books that grab my eye, give the back a quick skim, & hurry out of the store before something else triggers me.


This is just one of MANY issues I’ve had, thanks to my misophonia.
I fear that I’ll never be able to have a ‘normal’ life.  I feel like I have to live under my earphones with music blaring at all times if I want to do anything.
& my triggers aren’t even as bad as some that I’ve heard of.  I don’t have any issues with eating sounds, or breathing.  Mine tend to be based off people being inconsiderate of those around them (dogs barking, loud music, thumping bass, whistling), although I get less tolerant the more triggers I hear in a day, so on a normal day I might have been able to deal with the whistler, but who knows?

tooaya:

crabbyjammies:

bernardlblacks:

being friends with artists to get free drawings doesn’t even work!!!! i am an artist and i cant even give myself free drawings

Honestly if I tell you I’ll draw something for you there’s really only about 5% chance of me actually drawing it.

Most of the times if your artist friend wants to draw something for you they won’t even tell you.  You’ll just find a picture in your face one day with nice comments like HERE BITCH TAKE IT.

I didn’t design all these dresses, but I DID put them all into Animal Crossing  :D

Although I DID design a couple of them

I also will consider requests - I can’t promise anything, the dress has to interest me.
(although I am also open to commissions; price depends on complexity, but probably wouldn’t be more than $5, & closer to $3)

So I started a RHPS poster back in August.  I wanted to add Magenta & Riff Raff, but I couldn’t get them to work in a way I was happy with, so I left the picture alone, with plans to get back to it.

6 months later I finally got back to it.  Drew Magenta & Riff Raff, & realized that they looked much better than all the other characters.  So I had to re-draw all the other characters to match

I thought this side-by-side comparison was interesting.  I don’t often get to see just how much I’ve improved in such a short amount of time

Art block, or something more? Time will tell.

I’m starting to think that spending my entire life being an artist isn’t really a viable option.  I still enjoy the idea of being an artist, but I feel like I’ve burnt out.  I haven’t picked up my art supplies because I WANT to in over 2 weeks.  I used to be able to just work, & everything would just come naturally, or at worst I’d feel like sketching but I’d need to finish colouring instead so I’d force myself to work on that, but now I find myself thinking of other things I could be doing, things I’d rather be doing.  Working on art is just like any other thing I have to do that I don’t really want to; my heart just isn’t in it.
I thought if I left it alone long enough, it would get better.  But it’s been over 2 weeks & I’m not seeing any improvement.  I can make myself work, but it’s more because I feel bad that I’m not doing anything, & that’s my only source of income.

So I’m toying with other ideas for things I could do to make money.  Knowing me though, I worry about getting into anything, as I tend to get into a new project, spend a bunch of time & money, & then decide that it’s not right for me (writing a cookbook, making a braided rug, scrapbooking, webcomics, graphic novels, I could go on).  I’ve been reading books on DIY domestic stuff lately, like soap making, hand cream, & lip balm, & those all sound like they’d be fun to do. I’m also looking into making my own varieties of tea.  These all sound like things I could make & sell, but again, I’m not really sure I’d enjoy them enough to put the time & effort into starting a new business
I want my love of art to come back, not because I miss it, but because it’s an easy answer as to what I should do with all my spare time.

Finishing Unfinished Art

I started working on a RHPS poster back in August or so.  I was having trouble with it (with Riff Raff & Magenta), so I put it on the back burner…. & promptly forgot about it

Queue to 6 months later, I finally pull it back out & draw in Riff Raff & Magenta… & they look so much better than all the other characters

So I had to go back & re-draw Frank N Furter, Columbia, Brad, & Janet.  I was kinda tempted to leave it for a little while (as I wasn’t expecting to have to do that much work that day), but I knew better.

It’s frustrating to have to re-do all that work, but on the plus side, it looks even better now. 

Now all I need to do is transfer it & finish it; but this stage can wait, as long as the sketch is finished  XD

colourfulpantsandarainbowhat:

Sensory defensiveness (Misophonia, Tactile sensitivity, sensitivity to light/sound/taste) is like being in a room full where everyone is having surgery, but you’re the only one without anesthesia and everyone around you is giving you looks for reacting and they keep telling you things like “Stop complaining so much” and “do you see anyone else reacting like that?

This is quite possibly the best explanation of Misophonia that I’ve seen.  As someone who suffers from it, this is completely accurate

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